EPIPHANY
“I couldn’t believe it!” said Thompson. “I realized it had been a while since I read from the New Testament because most of my sermons are about judging everyone who is gay, Muslim, feminist, vegan, Black, liberal, Californian, virtue-signaling, trans, racially mixed, Chinese, or college-educated, and for all those it makes much more sense to look into the Old Testament for judgmental inspiration, you know? So I opened the Bible to the New Testament and started reading about Jesus saying to turn the other cheek, and how he literally washed the feet of the poor, and how he talked about rich people being fundamentally sinful, and how we’ll only get into the Kingdom of Heaven if we help the needy, and all that stuff, and my blood just started boiling. I couldn’t believe what I was reading, and it wasn’t long before I was irate! I couldn’t believe all this time I’ve been worshipping a Woke, liberal commie! No one ever told me Jesus was practically Bernie Sanders and Rachel Maddow mixed together with AOC! I had the sudden urge to get out my AR-15s, and start protesting Jesus at the state capitol building!”
Thompson said the discovery shook him to his core.
“That’s just not the Jesus I know in my heart,” he continued. “The Jesus in my heart would never give money to the poor who will just use it for alcohol and drugs. The Jesus in my heart would rather invest that donatable money into the stock market to hopefully get rich quick! Or at the very least start a business to hire those poor people, but never pay them a penny more than the minimum wage so that the humiliation of not making a livable wage will encourage them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and start their own businesses to pay their own workers only the minimum wage to give back to the beautiful cycle of poverty and exploitation that makes unfettered capitalism the best economic system in the world! That’s what my Christian faith is about, not all this beta male cuck bullshit the New Testament goes on and on about! The Jesus in my heart would have no problem with the money changers in the temple at Jerusalem because they’re probably earning dividends for shareholders. Even if the money changers’ companies are reckless and imperiled at the first sign of an economic downturn, and are existentially dependent on government bailouts because their CEOs worship a corporate and regulatory culture in which obsession with short-term, quarterly shareholder profits, absurd salary bonuses, and stock buybacks have made the kind of decisions necessary for long-term fiscal health and corporate stability both impossible and downright fiducially illegal. The Jesus in my heart understands greed is good!”
Thompson now says he is going to start his own wholly new church.
“I’m going to start a Church of Trump!” Thompson explained. “No libtard sympathy for the poor, downtrodden, or exploited masses for any of my congregants! And my church will be much more relaxed about sexual stuff. I’ve always thought Christianity is a little too puritan and old-fashioned about sex. What’s the good of being involved in a religious cult if there aren’t even orgies? So our patron saint will be Donald Trump. Grabbing by the pussy will be encouraged because what’s good enough for Donald Trump is good enough for us! In my church it will be mandatory for men to get divorces when their wives turn 40. Only hot trophy wives in the Church of Trump! And we’ll take the confessional booth that Catholics do, and put in hookers! And no raising of kids or marital fidelity is required. Only alpha males are allowed in. And bring your guns
My, as always, many thanks to all....
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